The #1 relationship killer is far more pervasive than we think
Have you ever found yourself thinking in binaries about people? Things like good vs. evil, good person vs. bad person, winner vs. loser, right vs. wrong, better vs. worse? “No way, couldn’t be me!” Well then I’ll go first, I certainly have and still do sometimes! And if you’re still skeptical, spend 5 minutes on social media.
My point here is that this kind of thinking is wildly pervasive and conditioned into us from birth to varying degrees systematically, whether it be through organized religion (good vs. evil), politics (good guy vs. bad guy), capitalist frameworks (winner vs. loser), social structures (haves vs. have nots), and/or family systems. Likewise, it’s wired into our psychobiology as humans to scan for threat, and we will always create an “other” to defend against psychologically and physically, whether that be a country, a race, a gender, our romantic partner, or parts of ourselves that we disown. To name what this is psychologically, when you position yourself above to look down upon the “other”, this is grandiosity and this is contempt, the ultimate distancing behavior. It is the #1 relationship killer, and it is the foundation of all abuse. The laddering down goes like this: “we are different” → “ you are beneath me” → “you are not human” → “now I can justify any kind of violence towards you”. But just because this is human nature, doesn’t mean we don’t need to fight the tide. The stakes are high. Civil war high in a macro sense. And divorce high in a micro sense.
The most obvious example of this is in our current politics. I’m going to use an example of emotional violence that we’ve now normalized as a culture, because it pops up often in romantic relationships: name-calling. Name-calling dehumanizes, and it is coming directly from the father figure of the “free” world. That’s verbal abuse folks. And we are the children in this collective “home” being taught what’s okay and what’s not okay. Then folks on the left (e.g. Gavin Newsom) respond in kind. It’s delicious to watch (finally someone is standing up to the bully!), yet it also races us to the gutter. Contempt on a national scale is the new normal and to a certain degree it has always been there. We consume it daily and hurl it at each other righteously. If you’re a leftist ask yourself this: have you ever called someone a “monster”, “evil”, “trash”, “idiot”, “disgusting”, or as I recently read from something a fellow therapist I respect reposted calling MAGA “Magats”. Yikes. If that’s you, I’m sure you’ve felt or feel justified. And yet, “they did it first” is an excuse that children make to justify their actions, not mature adults. We’re all better than this. No matter what “side” you’re on.
Grandiosity and contempt are also very importantly, conditioned into men through patriarchal masculinity from a young age. Core to the value system is hierarchy, where straight men are at the top “looking down on” women and gay men. If you’re a man reading this and don’t agree, ask yourself what slurs were hurled around the playground starting at age 8 or so. B***, P****, F*****. It’s pointed outwards towards “them”, but also inwards towards any part of us that feels “weak” or “feminine” or joyous, playful, and silly…god forbid. That’s contempt boys, and it’s the water we’ve been swimming in all our lives. It’s a goddamn tragedy if you ask me.
The more meta manifestation of this I see everywhere now is men who have rejected patriarchal masculinity, yet still are using its primary weapons of contempt and grandiosity to communicate this shaming rejection (e.g. “you’re an ‘idiot’ ‘evil’ or ‘wrong’ if you don’t see things the way I do.” “You’re not on my level.” “You’re beneath me.”). Newsflash: this is a terrible recruitment strategy and it lost the Democratic party the last election. It reminds me of this meme:
The reality is that these more “woke” men, which I have absolutely been in the past and still am sometimes, are still working through their own internalized misandry and contempt. They’re still in the anger stage of their healing, which is very important, but nonetheless unintegrated. I personally find myself in a stage where my grandiosity is subtly thinking I’m more evolved than the above cohort of men (clearly not). You get the point, this shit is pernicious and you need to check it constantly.
Likewise, many women who identify as feminists, but maybe have not done their own shadow work often adopt hypermasculine traits, using contempt and grandiosity to communicate their message. Eye rolls, mocking, “men are trash”, “men are dumb”, etc. This is contemptuous, dehumanizing, and antithetical to the definition of feminism because it is power over (e.g. not equal). As the brilliant intersectional poet Audrey Lorde said with respect to systemic racism and sexism, “the master’s tools will never dismantle the master’s house.” Her book of poems + essays tackled different questions but the thesis is what I’m applying here - that using contempt and grandiosity (the tools of dominance-based-power-over-patriarchy) to heal our broken system and create a new one is futile - it just creates the same movie with different protagonists.
The Gottmans (the biggest name in couples therapy) talk about contempt as the #1 most dangerous behavior in a marriage, a flashing red light that divorce is imminent if not addressed. And if you’re the recipient of this contempt, you’re more likely to catch infectious diseases. Meaning it’s not just emotionally harmful, it is physically harmful. Meaning - it is violence. Couples therapist Terry Real, whose entire model is based on bringing people down from their grandiosity (contempt pointed outwards) and up from their shame (contempt pointed inwards) into healthy self-esteem, posits that this is a function of our highly narcissistic culture, it’s the dis-ease that we all must root out of our relationships because it kills them. It is toxic.
He also brilliantly observes that traditional psychotherapy has historically been good at bringing people up from their shame, but quite terrible at bringing people down from their grandiosity. So what does one do if they’re struggling with grandiosity?
The first step of course is awareness. Do you hear yourself in any of the above? Can you see that maybe you’ve been a part of this contemptuous cycle, either in the culture at large or in any of your most important relationships? I know when I realized this years ago it was very hard to stomach, so I’ve got a lot of compassion for you if you’re in this part of the process. Especially, if you are struggling with the cognitive dissonance of seeing yourself as “one of the good guys”. Some really great books if you’re interested in learning more are The Will To Change by Bell Hooks or US by Terry Real (really any of his books).
Beyond this, creating a culture of appreciation is one of the best ways to combat contempt and grandiosity in your relationships, in your business, and in your household. Think a gratitude practice but for your relationships. This takes work but it really works. Then if you want to ratchet things up there are two other tools I love: mirror work and picture work.
Mirror work forces us to get honest about what’s really beneath grandiosity, which is insecurity. People who have healthy self-esteem don’t need to make themselves big and others small. So the next time you’re feeling high and mighty, take yourself to a mirror and whittle yourself down lovingly. “Well you are no walk in the park either, Larry. Is it really about your partner being ‘socially inept’ or is that you have a lot of wounding around social life and you want them to rescue from your childhood wounds?” Some version of this modified to your situation.
Picture work has to do with whatever grandiose behavior is causing your marriage/relationship the most trouble. Then identify who you learned this from. Find a photo of them and the next time you’re about to let it rip, take a time out, go to another room and break out that picture. Then say directly out loud to that picture, “right now it’s more important for me to be - insert toxic behavior -, just like you, than it is for me to be loving and close with my partner.” This one tends to stop folks in their tracks and highlight that they’re not a victim to their behavior, they are choosing violence.
If you’re looking for outside specialist support with exactly this issue, find someone trained in Terry Real’s model Relational Life Therapy. I’m currently getting certified in the model and it is excellent. I work on these issues daily with men individually, but also with couples. And yes…it’s not just men that are grandiose! We’ve all been raised in the same culture.
Take action today. Stop the violence within yourself and towards others.