7 go-to tools for couples
These are 7 tools I use with all of the couples I work with as well as with my individual clients. Master them and you can be a relationship master. There’s just one small catch: trauma. Ugh. Yes, that pesky reality that so many of us live with and must address in order to use these tools effectively. You can’t use them effectively without addressing your trauma(s). Thankfully, in Relational Life Therapy, a modality I’m getting certified in, we do trauma work right there in session with the other partner watching. However, depending on the severity, I may recommend additional trauma treatment.
FYI: this article with images can be found on my Substack.
***Disclaimer: if you believe you’re in an abusive relationship, please visit the National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 800-799-7233.
By way of background, I’m trained in RLT, Gottman, and PACT. My work with couples is direct, no BS, and action-oriented. All of these tools and models follow that ethos.
ONE: Time Out
This is often the first tool I will use as it’s the most straightforward and doesn’t require you to have access to your prefrontal cortex to implement (translation to english: you can use it when you’re completely losing your sh*t, and that’s exactly when you want to use it). For years I ran anger management groups for court-ordered individuals and this was the #1 tool I taught. It’s a gangster tool that works for gangsters. It’s an eject chord that is unilateral and doesn’t need permission, but there is tact you want to use (e.g. setting a time to come back to the conversation) that’s spelled out in this guide.
TWO: 4 horsemen
This is a diagnostic tool I use up front. I love educating on these four behaviors that lead to divorce because they are a.) very simple to understand and b.) certainly get your attention. Also because the Gottman’s have so much research supporting that my more intellectual clients love. Most people can see their go-to moves quite quickly. And there are relatively simple antidotes. When I say simple, I mean simple to understand, not necessarily simple to put into practice. I talk about this tool in more detail here.
THREE: Relationship grid
Everyone loves a personality test, right? Well, this is kinda like one but in the context of relationships. I love this because it builds on attachment science AND the Gottman’s contempt by also bringing in the grandiosity (contempt of others) and shame spectrum (contempt of oneself). This is the genius of Terry Real. He often says traditional psychotherapy has historically done a great job of helping people stand up for themselves, but not a great job of helping those who are pathologically “above” others. I said earlier that in RLT we take sides, and it’s typically (but not always) by calling the folks who live in the “one up, contemptuous” quadrants into more connection and love by stepping down of their high horses. Equally important though, we want those who live in the one-down positions to stand up for themselves more. As Terry puts it “we want the mighty to melt, and the weak to stand up.” You can take a quiz to see where you fall here, if you don’t already know right away ;)
FOUR: anger types
To this day I can’t find who originated this graph. If you know, please let me know. But I absolutely love it, and go into detail in this post. It’s not a hard and fast rule, but Avoidantly attached folks tend to be experts at either passivity or passive aggression when in conflict, while anxiously attached folks tend to be more aggressive in conflict. This also tracks with the Relationship Grid. Again, this absolutely has exceptions, but you get the idea. The only winning strategy here for all is Assertiveness, which is covered in the next tool.
FIVE: Feedback wheel
Again, thank you Terry for this one. This is essentially the book Non-violent Communication in four easy steps. Otherwise known as assertive communication. Otherwise known as win-win communication. While this is an advanced tool that you can only use effectively when in your parasympathetic nervous system/wise mind/prefrontal cortex (e.g. after trauma work), I think it’s the most important tool I’ve learned in all of my years of individual and couples therapy. Master this, and you are way ahead of most of the planet on relationship skills. You learn to a.) take accountability for the many stories you might be telling yourself (e.g. assumptions) b.) identify your vulnerable emotions underneath your anger (fear, sadness, shame, guilt) and c.) ask for what you actually need. I typically ask clients to do this on their own first as an emotional regulation tool, then start using it with other people. IT IS A GAMECHANGER. I talk about it in more detail here.
SIX: AVA repair
To my knowledge, I made this acronym up based on standard repair frameworks. But essentially, if you’ve f*cked up and need to apologize and repair something, you want to follow these steps. First, you want to take Accountability and Apologize. Fall on your sword in great detail regarding everything that you did that was messed up, paired with a genuine apologize. Second, you want to Validate your partner’s experience of this f*ckup. You want to put yourself in their shoes and detail out precisely why this might have been so difficult for them based on your relationship history and their trauma history - important that you try to imagine what emotions they experienced. Lastly and most importantly, although the most often done poorly, is Action. You need to detail what exactly you’re going to do to correct the behavior and re-earn that person’s trust. Then you need to do those things. As Terry Real often says, “it’s impossible to forgive a behavior that’s still going on.” Again, Accountability + Apology, Validation, Action.
SEVEN: Weekly couples check-In
I f*ckin love this tool. It’s so damn simple and goes SUCH a long way for building intimacy. That’s in large part because it’s got appreciation baked in. It’s so easy to forget in our mistake obsessed culture the things that we appreciate about our partner and what’s actually going well. Appreciation is also the antidote to contempt. It’s the antidote to grandiosity. It is what brings us closer. The Gottman’s talk about building a culture of appreciation in your relationship and creating a 5 to 1 ratio of appreciation to complaint/criticism. If that sounds ridiculous it just points out how much work you may have to do, but also how much work we have to do as a society. Lastly, this tools systematizes and operationalizes healthy habits, helping you stay on track. It’s so worth the 30 minutes to an hour.
While I absolutely recommend you work through these tools with a couples therapist, using them poorly is better than not at all. So have at it.
With appreciation,
Patch