Patriarchal masculinity is a setup

I became a relationship therapist for men and couples precisely because I colossally sucked at relationships for most of my life. And I was conditioned to suck at them by patriarchal masculinity.

Men are conditioned from a young age to feminize and devalue relationships. “Relationships are something women focus on, I focus on performing in sports, school/work, making money. That’s the priority. That is what I will be evaluated on.”

Men are conditioned from a young age that breadth is more important than depth, especially sexually. Vulnerability is required for depth of relationship and vulnerability is feminized as well, deemed weak. So men are encouraged to focus on surface level sexual conquest, for which they are celebrated by their homies well into their 30s and even 40s. This on repeat creates disconnection from the body and a habit of discard.

Men are conditioned to be lone wolves. The same rule of depth/vulnerability applies to male friendships, depth is the exception not the rule. 1 in 5 men say they have no close friends. That’s because the conditioning says “to be reliant/dependent/connected is weak, if you’re a real strong man you can and should be able to do it alone.”

Men are conditioned to numb their emotions. Emotions are the glue that hold relationships together. Without genuine emotional expression, even conflict, relationships fall apart. They are also the glue that hold a person together. If you’re numb to your own emotions, it’s very hard to connect with yourself, and even harder to connect with others.

Men are conditioned towards avoidant attachment, which inherently devalues relationships. Sxs of avoidant attachment: emotional numbness, addiction to alone time, obsession with performance, auto-regulation vs. co-regulation.

Men are conditioned to dominate, be aggressive, and compete. This helps them thrive in “killer” business environments and war and sports, but is terrible for intimate relationships. It makes you unsafe.

Men are conditioned to believe they are better than others (I.e. grandiosity). Better than gay folks, better than women, better than this guy, better than that guy. It creates a “greater than, less than” binary in which men are constantly comparing themselves to others in fear that they may appear less than. This is called contempt. It leads not only to contempt of others, but contempt of themselves if parts of them feel “less than”. It’s also the most destructive relational pattern in the book, the greatest predictor of divorce there is.

Does all of this mean that men are broken and a lost cause. F*ck no. Men are exquisitely deep & relational beings at their core, but some conditioning out there is stupid as f*ck. I became a therapist to combat it.